Don’t make HR the Forms Nazis

Any HR person worth their pay doesn’t like running after employees to fill out forms. We hate it. It’s a junior administrative function, but since your insurance and review forms contain confidential info we can’t delegate the forms chase to others. Seriously, we are sick of hounding you to meet deadlines. We get that your job is way more important than our form and we respect what you do. In fact its humiliating to have to cajole you to fill it out when we know you are busy on the core work of the company. So just do it already. You aren’t the only busy professional on earth and we get no personal or professional joy out of chasing you to enter your insurance plan choices on a form that is for your own benefit in the first place. And by the way, when the form clearly says it needs to be completed in blue or black ink (like every other form on earth) please don’t choose this particular moment to express your individuality by using green ink. It’s a pain in the ass to go back to you and make you do it over while your selfish action has held up enrolling every other employee on an insurance plan that requires forms from all participants.

Leadership Retreats – Biggest waste of money since 360 evaluations

I’ve been to almost every type of “leadership retreat” one can imagine over the years. (Though thankfully I’ve never had to endure the trust falls). Seriously folks, this is the fastest way to drain a budget I’ve seen. Here’s how it goes down:

• Scenario One: The CEO  wants to “fix” someone who’s acting up. Enter the leadership retreat facilitator. A professional consultant who is to target that issue or person but who masquerades as one who will lead the team towards enlightenment and “ah ha” moments.  Reality check: Nothing’s going to change, the person who’s misbehaving probably needs to be told candidly and timely that he or she is doing so – and to cut it out, and you just wasted a boatload of cash on a consultant who, by the way, is going to come a-calling very soon to see how she can “help you out” again.  Good luck getting off her email distribution list.
• Scenario Two: The Strategic Plan Update. By far the most grueling waste of time yet. The strategic plan needs a facelift so you gather your top managers up in the woods for a few days to hash out the SWOT analysis and re-frame your mission statement. (5 hours seems to be about the right amount of time for that crap) Then, on to strategic goals. Or shall we call them objectives? Or maybe drill down into some tactics? The war of semantics is on. Reality check:  In your quest to complete the plan, there is no time for thoughtful reflection or research. You come up with the strategies and then rush back to the office on Monday with a lovely piece of paper which sits in files for another year until…The Strategic Plan Update – Part Deux.
• Scenario Three: Teambuilding. Typically this occurs when your CEO is an overgrown frat boy who likes playing warrior in the woods. I’ve done them all. Geoteaming, Amazing Race, Scavenger Hunts, Murder Mysteries, etc. Here’s what: Stop trying to “sell” this crap to your managers as a useful “ah ha” teambuilding exercise. Because frankly, we resent having to give up our weekends with our families to support your need to play games. We work for you – we aren’t your buddies. We have to deal with expensive babysitters, pet care issues, and frankly a lost weekend to placate your silliness. Reality check: This crap doesn’t do anything more to build a team than getting stuck with your CFO in an elevator. Stop forcing fun. It is a huge waste of cash and we don’t like it. We say we do to your face…but we don’t. We’re lying dude.

No one at work wants to “meet the girls”

Here’s a fool-proof way to hold your career back. Remember that great shirt you got at Forever XXI? The one with the sparkly sequins and plunging neckline? “The girls” never looked so good. Well here’s what…don’t wear it to work unless you are employed in an LA tanning salon, a massage parlour, or as a bikini barista. Because in corporate America, no one really wants to see the girls.

I see so many 20-something gals come to work with the low necklines, and then wonder why they aren’t considered for promotions and/or taken seriously. I know, I know…you are getting all steamed up reading this. You’re thinking I must be some middle-aged prude with a bad figure who is jealous. Not so. I’m the HR person that the guys in the office come to saying how awkward they feel trying to look you in the eyes instead of at your neckline. I’m the HR person to whom your manager says “will I get sued for sexual harassment if I tell her to button up a bit?” I’m the HR person who hears comments about you like “My God, what was she thinking?” and “Does she have absolutely no sense of appropriateness?” And I’m the HR person who sees the CEO roll his or her eyes when your name comes up.

Listen gals, you are lucky to have a great figure. I’m not saying you can’t be proud and show that off. Just remember that you have no control over how others perceive you, only over how you present yourself. You may feel it’s fine to lean over and offer full exposure to others in the office. But you don’t really wish for your co-workers to be uncomfortable do you? You aren’t really wanting folks to talk about you behind your back in a derogatory way, are you? Of course not. So please, put the girls away during the day and then if you are so inclined, show them to the world outside of work.

CEO’s and their Butt Kissers

Let’s start this blog with some thoughts for CEO’s regarding corporate politics around “moving up” in the firm. Corporate politics are alive and well and living in a company near you. Companies spend loads of cash crafting those corporate values and culture statements and plaster them all over their websites. Some even share them with interviewees…hoping to impress them with the firm’s deep committment to shared values. Well, that’s lovely isn’t it? But the truth is that most leaders will toss those values out the door if their favorite butt-kisser comes calling. I’m talking about those “up and comers” who will do just about anything to impress the boss. And if the boss needs an ego boost, we have the perfect recipe for workplace dysfunction. We see folks with questionable ethics, inability to follow policy, and an uncanny knack for turning out mediocre deliverables get promoted and praised every day. I’m not saying everyone has to run around being a model of corporate values, but I do think that if a firm invests so much time and energy into developing and publishing them, the top leaders should use them as anchors…holding themselves to them when big decisions must be made. Hey CEO’s – don’t promote your buddies, and then claim to have worked closely with HR on a leadership succession program that resulted in these promotions.  Apply those corporate values when it comes to promotions and praise. Take a close look at the employees who are truly top producers, can be depended on to “do the right thing,” and really take pride in stuff like client service. These are the individuals who should get attention and praise. And coincidentally, I’ll bet their behavior maps pretty well to those corporate values now doesn’t it?